letter from a madwoman

 So, how are things? here everything is going just about the same as always. I heard a quote today that I thought was pretty accurate."Life is a Thursday, every day of the week"heh,, that is so true. well,, guess what, I am at a crossroads,,, I don't know what the hell to do with my life. i keep having the same gut feeling that I am missing something or there is something I should be doing. I dunno, maybe i am just crazy. wonder what makes ppl want what they don't have. its pretty irritating ya know? today I decided to organize myself. its like I feel I need to get my life in order. like i don't want chaos anymore. its kinda like getting that nesting feeling moms to be get right before having the baby. think i am having a precognition? so you ever think about how yur kids will turn out if you aren't here? been thinking about that a lot. hmmmmm maybe i am facing my immortality. i dunno. well, i coloureed my hair blonde again,, couldn't stand the dark anymore. started going to a gym. workouts are killer. cracked the windshield in my car,, all the way across the bottom. got fake nails. thinking of starting knitting, heh can you imagine? i think listening to all that hard rock has finally started to affect my hearing. saw a beautiful sunset the other day, thought of you ..drove to the edge of the world,, planned on falling off,, discovered the thing is round..thought I saw a fairy in the back yard, she told me it was my imagination...my cat and i have a love/hate relationship, I love her, she hates me....I tried to sail to exotic places,, the sailboat on my tv was too small....I decided life was weird.... then I smiled

Always

Mainstreamer or Sideliner?

 

Have you ever noticed in life there are people who are mainstream, and people who are sideline? Mainstream people are the ones always in the  spotlight, always the ones people clamor to get next too so that some of that light will haphazardly shine down upon them. These people don't necessarily mean to use others, but generally they do. They tend to make friends with other mainstreamers and as long as things are going well and there is enough spotlight to be shared, then life is grand.But when life isn't so grand, thats when the sideline people come into play.The sideline people are those who stand at the side looking into the light, but never getting any of the luminescence. They go about their mundane lives waiting for the times when the Mainstreamer has no one better to cast their light upon.The sideliners will in a nanosecond,drop whatever it is they are doing, just to have the attention of the Mainstreamer, even though they know that once the Mainstreamer finds another mainstreamer to listen, the sideliner will be shoved back to their natural resting place, the dark. It has always been a curiosity to me why Sideliners stay on the sidelines instead of finding their own spotlight. Maybe its insecurity. Maybe its just their lot in life. What would happen if the sideliners suddenly took over the role of mainstreamers? Utter Chaos I'd say. The whole balance of life would tilt and possibly collapse.  While you have been reading this, have you stopped to think which side of the balance you are on? Ask yourself the prime questions. Do you like the spotlight? Do you have that ability to stand in front? Do you put people on the side to wait for you just in case you have noone to talk too and you need them? Well, I'd say you were mainstream. Do you watch as people move on without you and never ask why? Do you sit like a puppy and wait for morsels of meat to be dropped in your lap?  Do you drop everything when you are beckoned too?  Then I'd say you are sideline.  Now, if you are considering these questions and you realise you are a mainstreamer but feel a bit guilty for it,don't bother, its not your fault. Sideliners have always had opportunity to correct you, but they tend to settle into their own little crack in the sidewalk, wallowing in their own little misery of waiting,begging with their eyes for just a little recognition. But, and its this way with nearly everything I write, this is just to make you think.

Birthdays SUCK!

Yep. I said it

The 17th was my Birthday. I had it all planned out,knew what I was gonna do and everything.

BUT

did it go that way? of course not. Do things EVER go the way they are supposed too? Hell no!

Yes, I am crying in my beer. I am pouting like a two year old. All that jazz.
Maybe it's the fact of growing old made it so rotten. Maybe it was because I didn't feel special.Hell I don't know, all I do know is it SUCKED!

One more time!

Ok......
So it has been a while. In fact, it has been quite a while. Well, I decided to turn over a new leaf. I decided to start using this thing more. I mean, why have it if you're not gonna use it, right? Today I start learning a healthier way of life. Yes I am one of the millions who are slowly killing themselves so I decided it was time for a change. There are a lot of things I am not so honest with myself about.
1. I have some issues
2. I am an emotional wreck
3. I have lost control of myself
4.I don't know what to do
Issues.... I am overweight. I have emotional ties with food.I don't eat because I am hungry,I eat to give myself comfort.I eat because I am stressed out. I eat because the food is there. I have a problem with anger. I blow up for no reason. I am so angry all the time it seams,it's exhausting. I am depressed.   alot. No I don't know why, there is usually no reason why, I just am.Mood swings seem to be a way f life for me. It's getting old. I am very insecure. I feel like most of the time I am not as good as the next persn. I always need to please people, even if I don't really know them. If I am not super friendly and super accomodating, I feel they won't like me,,and I can't stand the thought of someone not liking me,it actually will eat at me until I feel literally sick.In my head I know it is not possible to please all people at all times, but for some reason I still feel like I need too. That is why I am an emotional wreck. I am so stressed from trying to please everyone that when I am around the people who do love me I treat them like shit.  Isn't that totally off the charts?

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HERE WE GO

ok so where to start... I guess with me. My life is somewhat mediocre.... I wake up every morning and I get ready for work, I work most of the day then come home and spend time with my Family. Yes I know, so far there doesn't seem to be any type of  "darkness" to speak of, but all things come in good time. With this blog I am going to try to chronicle that which is my life. Now, I'm not saying that it is going to be all that interesting but I am also not saying it will be totally boring.It is was it is.Here is where I will also lay down my wishes and dreams , fantasies and realities, my likes and dislikes. So try to bear with me. Gradually you will learn who I am, well........somewhat. In reality, does anyone really know who anyone else is?  Who am I today?  Today I am....exhausted. With everything......life , career,  and everything inbetween. Ever get to the point where you feel that way? What do you do? Me? I give in, get frustrated or maybe sometimes paranoid . Today though,I am annoyed,yes totally annoyed. How do I deal with this part? I bitch. Yeah thats the ticket,I bitch. But it's all good, I decided though I am gonna bitch, ima also keep it to myself, and I am doing that by putting it here.  Ever get tired of people thinking they have the right to walk all over you just because you are a nice person? I don't understand why people are like that. Maybe I should just stop being nice? nahhhh,, I like being nice, maybe I should just tell them to kiss my ass? well im not that way. hmmmm gotta think on it.....